Impermanence and Grief

Impermanence and Grief: Coping with difficult emotions when someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away

In two previous articles, we learned that we strive for lasting or remaining unchanged existence as human beings. Conversely, impermanence is an inescapable and inevitable truth of our existence, the state or fact of lasting for only a limited period, such as the impermanence of human life or the impermanence of childhood—the receding memories and experiences that make up our disappearing past.

We also learned about accepting and coping with the impermanence of human life.

In this article, the third in the series, we will learn about grief about impermanence.

I invite you to think about our lives. We think about our future, believing that our lives will always be good, filled with hopes, dreams, and the possibilities of making more money, affording us the opportunities to buy more material things that would continue to make us happy.

But, according to Buddhist teachings, things that seem constant and enduring are temporary, such as losing a loved one or job. Our attachment to loved ones or material things and failure to accept their impermanence is at the root of our suffering. When things do not work out as planned, we become unhappy. Unhappiness leads to sadness, and pain, followed by grief. 

There are two kinds of grief: Anticipatory grief or Grief after death.

Anticipatory grief is defined as grief that occurs before death or loss. As the name implies, grief after death occurs when someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away.

Although there are many causes of grief, for this article, I will focus on only one: grief after the death of someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away.

When someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away, we grieve for a period. The sadness and emotional distress during this period are called bereavement.

Grief is the emotional suffering we feel when someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away. The pain of loss can often feel overwhelming, transitioning from difficult emotions to shock, from anger to disbelief, and from guilt to profound sadness. 

Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual, and philosophical dimensions.

Reactions to loss are called grief reactions. Common grief reactions include difficult feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, and behaviors.

• Feelings. People who have experienced loss may demonstrate a range of feelings, from shock to numbness, from sadness to denial, despair, anxiety, anger, guilt, loneliness, depression, helplessness, relief, and yearning.
• Thoughts. Common thought patterns include disbelief, confusion, difficulty concentrating, preoccupation, and hallucinations.
• Physical sensations. Grief can cause physical sensations, such as tightness or heaviness in the chest or throat, nausea or an upset stomach, dizziness, headaches, physical numbness, muscle weakness or tension, and fatigue.
• Behavioral changes. A grieving person may struggle with falling or staying asleep, losing interest in enjoyable activities, etc. 

Although there are several theories about the stages of grief, I usually defer to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief model discussed in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are attempts to process change and protect us while we adapt to a new reality. At the same time, there are consistent elements within each step, and the grieving process looks different for everyone.

Humans are naturally resilient, considering that most of us can endure loss and continue our lives. Here are a few coping tips that could benefit when someone with which a bond or affection was formed is taken away:

A wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger, or exhaustion, is normal, and it’s important to recognize these feelings. Accepting your feelings and talking about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues would help. If conversations with friends or colleagues do not help, it may be helpful to speak with a licensed psychologist or another mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.

The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body. Eating healthy foods, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health.